The dance changes again

During this time I had to have another surgery on my left leg that did not work left me unable to walk without a walker, after getting hurt on the job, they fired me after being released from workers comp because I cannot drive a forklift with a walker, I fell into a deep depression, it was all too much for me to handle. My husband became my rock; he did everything from taking care of the kids to the house work and worked a full time job, and never once complained.  The calls from the school continued for Shane, meltdowns and anger over being bullied, I have been fighting this for years at the school, doing all I could do for my son,  The meeting and being told they had handled it, Shane was becoming more and more withdrawn, we increased his therapy to include one a week at the school.

            No parent should ever get the call that they need to get to the school right away, that there was a problem, but they happen, until the one day I got the call that my son was in the fetal position in the classroom rocking back and forth having suffered a complete mental break from an incident that happened in the lunchroom with the one person who was not suppose to be anywhere near him. It was at that time that I had to make the heartbreaking choice to follow the professional’s recommendation to put him in a behavioral health center or bring him home with me and hold him. I will never forget the long drive there, my son who had never spent any time away from me unless it was with the bio, was being admitted to the hospital for being harmful to himself. Shane hated it and me for leaving him there. The daily calls begging me to come get him, he was being hit by staff and crying that I did not love him broke my heart, but I held my ground, even though my heart was breaking I left him there.

             Visitation was only two days a week for two hours a day, the drive was long and hard on my back and leg, but nothing was going to keep me from seeing my son. This affected his brother in a way that I did not expect; he was sullen for the first couple of days and cried for me to bring Shane home, at 7 he did not understand, hell sometimes neither did I. The day the doctor called me and told me that Shane had Autism will stay with me forever, I always suspected he did but when I heard those words I felt like I had been punched in the stomach. Panic set in, will I be able to help him have a happy life, will he be able to process this information when we told him and how would he handle it.  

The Dance continues

I did not sleep much that night, I kept seeing the hurt in Chris's eyes, and hearing the hurt in his voice, and I knew at that moment that he loved me for me and truly wanted to be with me.
We spent the entire week the boys were at the grandmothers together talking and laughing and that is the first time I heard him sing, he has a beautiful voice, and I was actually happy, Chris had to work the day I picked the boys up, he was worried about me driving to Memphis all by myself, so I took a friend with me, he was more worried that I was playing him and going to bring the bio back, but I knew and tried to reassure him as much as I could.But as I was leaving I saw fear in his eyes.
An 9 hour road trip is hard especially if you did not enjoy driving to the place you despise, We were on our way back having a good time when Shane out of the blue started crying, not loud I want attention cries, these were from deep with in him, it was at that time I had found out that one of the people that was suppose to love and protect them was in fact physically  abusing them, he went into detail about what had happened, at the grandmothers, I was shocked, the abuse my kids suffered was uncalled for and I would have gone to jail for murder had my friend not calmed me down, Shane and I had talked the entire way home, and he kept saying that he thought his dad loved him. When he told me his father thew a metal object at his head for calling him Chris that was the last straw, the police were called, nothing could be done because there where no marks on either of the boys.
We dropped off my friend and went to Wendy's to pick up Chris, my boys had never met him, I was nervous about the initial meeting, no need to be, Matt walked up to Chris sitting outside picked up his cup of Dr Pepper no ice took a drink and said hello, Shane a bit more reserved said hello, We took the boys to the Round Table Park by the community college, they had fun playing on the knights of the round table and tried their best to pull the sword out of the stone, we had a blast and for the first time in a long time my boys were laughing and playing, being kids, no yelling or hitting.  Chris was great, kind calm and patient, I tried to tell him how the boys were, the melt downs and quirks they each have, he did not see those, he saw two boys in desperate need of a positive male figure in their lives. He went with me to appointments and the school. Always paying attention to the boys needs and wants, never raising his voice to the.
During this time the vile hate filled emails began to come to the boys email address, the Bio wanted me dead, Chris dead, said he would kill the boys to hurt me. I kept them all and to this day still have them.  My dad became quite ill during this time and Chris was my rock. My dad loved Chris, the first guy I was ever with he did not call a squirelly bastard, they would talk for hours, I would go to visit him in the nursing home alone and he would not say hi but where is Chris. I loved my dad dearly and the day he passed away was one of the worst days of my life, I will always remember his last words to me, now before you get all sentimental I will tell you the last words he ever spoke came when I was trying to get him to eat,  he sat up a little and in his gruff voice said I don't want any F*cking Ice Cream, the next morning, the man I had been taking care of was gone, I was devastated, now what.... I called the bio and told him I had to bring the boys earlier to see him, you see in Kentucky I can go to jail if I deny visitation, and since there were no physical proof of abuse they had to go, I was trying to explain what happened, I could hear the joy in his voice when he said two down three to go....he is and always will be a cold heartless man.
My brother had been down to help and visit, asked Chris to be a pallbearer, he was honored, as with my mother the entire Clarksville Police department, covered their badge numbers, both of my parents volunteered at the police department for many years, My dad had a full military funeral. After the flag was given to my older sister, we went back to the nursing home he had spent two years of his life in and spent some time with his friends, the outpouring of love for my father showed me how many peoples live he had touched.

Life's A Dance

Nothing is as what it seems, and when we are kids, we have this insight as to how we want our lives to turn out. Marriage, kids, house, and a career, then one day you realize that for whatever reason, you hit a bump in the road, at seventeen I was told I would never have children, so my course in life changes.  I start to work on my career, moved from Tennessee to Virginia in the middle of December for my job, three weeks later; I would hit another bump a surprising scary bump. I was pregnant at 36, shocked beyond belief and six home pregnancy tests later my pregnancy is confirmed by a doctor.

Fear sets in at this moment, thinking back to what I had done that could be harmful to the baby growing inside me. The Bio and I married, not happily but for me it was so I would not have to hear the bitching from his perfectly southern when she wanted to be mother.  I had an uneventful pregnancy until the 28^th week, toxemia set in making for a very difficult situation being the only one working. Shane Robert Walker 6 pounds 1 ounce and  19 inches long, born August 11, 2001 at 1:06 pm. Six weeks early, healthy as a horse. I had the amniocentesis done because of my age; there were no abnormalities, or Down’s syndrome. I was in love, looking in to his face with his bright blue eyes and heart shaped mouth bald as all get out and he had my heart.

            I spent the first three months of his life on leave spending every moment just in awe of this little man, one I was told I would never have, as he got older, I don’t know call it over cautious, or  mothers intuition but something was wrong. He was not a fussy baby, hardly cried, but there was something not right, when he was a toddler I noticed, he was content spending all of his time alone, lining up his toys rocking back and forth, and making what I call this humming noise. Still when I mentioned this to his pediatrician, I was told to calm down, but I could not shake the feeling.  Fast forward to September 5, 2002, Matthew Hunter came into this world weight 8 pounds 9 ounces 21 inches long via C- section. He was beautiful, head full of hair blue eyes and cried the minute he was out, and again he had my heart.

            Shane was curious but cautious with his brother after trying to feed him a hot dog his first day home from the hospital, he would help with the diapers, sometimes just because, he wanted to feed him, but still no words were spoken. As Matthew got older his brother was his idol, he would crawl after Shane wherever he went.  At 4 years old Shane started pre-school, he had speech therapy and would speak only occasionally, he was a fire cracker never sitting still, always walking on his tippy toes, and every time I brought it to the attention of the teacher of pediatrician I was told he would grow out of it. So life went on, calls about behavior issues, not being on task, not able to sit still………..He would come home from school upset and crying and hold on to me as if he were terrified. Matthew would crawl to him and laugh, Matthew was a mover and a shaker always into things, I could not leave him alone for long periods to go take a shower or get me something to eat or drink.

            Through out all of this their dad, who I was married to at the time was angry all the time, he would yell and say mean nasty things to me in front of the boys, I need to say that I worked two jobs due to the fact that he was legally blind and did not want to work, I say this because I know several people who do work and have no sight at all. I blame the environment he grew up in, his mother always did everything for him and he never learned how to stand up to her, she despised me and that was fine, I did not care much for her. I had told him I wanted a divorce, he however did not want one and refused to leave, not wanting to kick a blind man out I let him stay in the house. There comes a time when you realize that your kids are more important then what people think.

            My mother passed away in September of 2003, and he cheered, he hated and yes he had said so on many occasions, I was devastated. He did not show any concern for any of that and his attitude changed. I had to sneak out with the boys to visit my family he told me on several occasions he did not want the boys around them, which I find funny because he wanted me to abort both boys. I came home from work one day to have my neighbor stop me and tell me she had to bring Matthew back to the house, my baby was wandering outside while he was playing games on the computer. The fight that happened was ugly and he got physical, from that point I slept on the couch, as bad as it sounds I had to work and I had a babysitter.

            Shane continued to have problems, and no one listened until he was in the 2^nd grade, I will always be grateful to his teacher, she listened and finally gave me the referral I needed. After testing and counseling ADHD/ODD and GAD were the diagnoses. I struggled with the idea of putting him on medication at such a young age, and in the end I decided he deserved to have a “normal” childhood and our journey began. Matthew was still on the go, he would however tell on himself when he did something wrong, broke something or got into stuff he knew he should not.  When Matthew started preschool, the school psychologist suggested he be tested for ADHD, and no surprise there he was started on medication.

            One day while working at Wendy’s, this man came into apply for a job so he could pay child support, he had the most beautiful  eyes and a smile that lit up his entire face, he was hired and we started talking and spending our breaks together. For the first time in years I felt like a person, he listened to me and spoke to me in a kind voice. I was still married, I had made the decision earlier in the year that when the boys were going to visit the bio’s mother that I would take him and when I picked the boys up, he would not becoming home with me. I was done; I had enough verbal and physical abuse to last a life time. So Chris and I started spending time together, yes in public I was happy, one night while sitting outside talking to the bio, a car pulled up in the driveway. The argument that happened opened my eyes to what I could lose. Ben was in the house screaming at Chris all the while holding a butchers knife threatening to kill us. I was more scared that I had lost Chris, he gave me an ultimatum, and left. My heart was breaking, and I cried for hours. 

I do not think I give Chris enough credit for what he has done for our family, he has made the house a home and brought positive energy into out lives. The boys were coming out of their shells and smiling a lot more, we all were.